I fall for it and I call for it every year.
At the start of each new NFL season, I hold out hope that this will be the year when country singer Carrie Underwood shows just a little professionalism and class, and wears sheer nude pantyhose when performing the Sunday Night Football opening theme song.
I know what you’re thinking: “Silly girl, Robin.” I know, I know.
No matter how bright and shiny her outfit, or lavish the set, ever since the 2013 SNF season when Carrie Underwouldn’t took the handoff from Faith Hill, she’s fumbled the ball, rushing for negative yardage on stage with those pasty-white “bear” legs of hers. And every year, I call her on it.
In this era when the NFL increasing is losing audience and rating shares among the coveted demographics (ages 18-49), it’s clear there’s a real disconnect with fans. And the numbers, as reported by the likes of Forbes.com, USA Today and NYPost.com, should be alarming to the NFL in general, and SNF in particular.
Around this time last year, Forbes.com contributor Brandon Katz, wrote:
“NBC’s Sunday Night Football was down yet again in viewership, drawing in 16.8 million and scoring a 6.19/19 rating in the advertiser friendly 18-49 demo. The numbers mark a season low for SNF, and the show’s 11.0 overnight rating is the lowest since 2007 (ouch).”
Why is the NFL seemingly becoming less popular each year? Can anyone say ex-San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s National Anthem protest (moron)? How about the whole gangsta image many of its players and marketers want to emulate? Could it be the fact that so many ex-players are dying in their 50s?
How about the incredible greed of the owners? Want to go to a game with friends or family? You might have to take out a small loan, or (maybe even more expensive) sign up for DirecTV’s NFL Sunday Ticket.
What does the NFL say is the reason viewers aren’t turning out in the numbers expected? It’s because fans increasingly are turning to digital streaming instead of watching on TV. Oh, and in the case of last weekend’s opening of the 2017-18 NFL season, it was because of Hurricane Irma. (That’s actually the case, as I lost power here and wasn’t able to tune in, which also explains why this post is being published now after the second SNF game.)
Not since actor Peter Finch (playing a news anchor in the 1976 Academy Award winning movie, Network) advised viewers of his station’s evening news program to stick their heads out of windows and yell: “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore,” has there been such outrage over sports TV programming.
But, c’mon now … we all know the real reason why the NFL in general and SNF in particular are seeing their rating numbers plummet, don’t we?
Here’s the deal, SNF: No one wants to see Carrie Underdressed prancing around with those unsightly bear legs like she’s all that (she ain’t) during your opening theme production. If that’s all she’s got, I’d rather watch Bozo the Clown perform the theme song.
What’s with this relationship between SNF and Carrie Undercovered? Can’t they cut her? Is she really the best they can find? She isn’t professional, and she has no class. Well, maybe she’s paying them!
As I’ve written before, every other notable pop singer performing today on stages of all sizes and venues, wears sheer nude or suntan pantyhose for the occasion. I’ve mentioned these ladies many times in the past here, and given you reasons why they could and should replace Carrie Underhanded.
This time (just to make sure I’m on point here) I launched on sites such as billboard.com, YouTube and thetoptens.com a search of today’s top female singers/performers, and they all listed the usual suspects, although each site and others like them had the same artists ranked in different orders.
And, yes, the artists are all the ones I’ve recommended here a million times. This time, let’s consider just three performers the producers of SNF could sign as free agents. (They could tell Carrie Underachiever “We just want to go in a different direction.”)
Each of these ladies is known to the NFL now, as each has performed the Halftime Shows of the past few Super Bowls, making it all the more obvious a choice for the dopes producing the SNF theme.
A veteran singer, songwriter, dancer and actress, Beyoncé already has performed the Halftime Show in two Super Bowls (2013 and 2016), make her an excellent candidate to do the SNF opening theme production.
This highly accomplished artist who rose to fame in the late 1990s is relevant and has an NFL kind of image. She’s sold 100 million records as a solo artist, and has won 22 Grammy Awards, so there’s no question about her talent and showmanship.
She gets my vote anyway because she is highly professional in always wearing nude or suntan pantyhose, not only on stage, but also when appearing as a guest on TV shows, and often, when she’s just out and about.
She made everyone hear her roar during a spectacular, and most-memorable 2015 Super Bowl halftime show, wearing a variety of elegant to cute costumes, complemented, of course, with nude or suntan pantyhose.
In fact, according to wikipedia.org, two days after the halftime show, Guinness World Records announced that Perry’s performance garnered 118.5 million viewers in the United States, and became the most watched and highest rated show in Super Bowl history. The viewership was higher than the game itself, which was viewed by an audience of 114.4 million.
The winner of five American Music Awards and 14 People’s Choice Awards who kissed a girl and liked it, Perry always delivers powerful and exciting performances. She’s got an amazing voice delivers an unforgettable performance, and always sparkles like a firework. Of all musical artists, Perry has been one of the best-dressed on stage and everywhere else. She appears to be dedicated to wearing dresses, always with nude or suntan pantyhose. She clearly would be an upgrade for the SNF opening theme.
Six-time Grammy Award winner, Lady Gaga, performed the 2017 Super Bowl halftime show, attracting 117.5 million viewers and exceeding the game’s total of 113.3 viewers. And for her efforts, Gaga received an Emmy nomination.
Sporting a musical style thought to be most comparable to Gwen Stefani and Madonna, and influenced by David Bowie and Michael Jackson, it is estimated that Gaga has sold around 27 million albums and 146 million singles worldwide. And with a fashion sense that seems to be the inspiration of everything from bubble wrap to raw meat, S&M-style leather and stilettos, there’s no denying Lady Gaga is the ultimate stage entertainer.
But more than anything, I will always be grateful to Lady Gaga because at the dawning (and during the entire hey-day) of the “bear”-legs movement, she stood as one of the few bright lights in the music entertainment industry, always wearing (sometimes nothing but) nude or suntan pantyhose with everything from the most outlandish outfit to an elegant dress. Yes, there was a time when the only professional entertainer you’d see in pantyhose was Lady Gaga and she likely deserves some of the credit for turning around a younger generation of pantyhose wearers today.
With respect: Ariana Grande (the most prolific and consistent wearer of sheer nude or suntan pantyhose in almost every single performance, as well as when she’s out and about); Selena Gomez (just slightly behind Ariana in wearing sheer nude or suntan pantyhose when performing and often, sheer black pantyhose, when she’s out and about, left); and Taylor Swift (often wears on stage and sometimes when out and about), to me, these ladies, while super talented in their own right, just wouldn’t seem credible performing in an NFL spotlight.
Other artists who could be tapped to perform the Sunday Night Football opening theme song would have to include Jennifer Lopez, Christina Aguilera, Rihanna, Adele, Pink, Shakira, Kelly Clarkson, Celine Dion, and Jessie J.
And while I really don’t like her, as she appears to have zero class, even Miley Cyrus is likely to wear sheer nude pantyhose if she were signed to perform the SNF opening theme.
Take a poll, NFL. I’ll bet viewers in staggering numbers would rather see Beyoncé, Katy Perry or Lady Gaga perform the SNF introduction theme song over Carrie Underperformer.
OK, perhaps the bozos over at SNF got a good deal on Carrie Underdone, and they just don’t want to pay the bill for the better professional entertainers available out there. Here’s an idea then: Have just about any professional singer record a new song, but for the stage show, choose members of the cheerleader squads of the two teams who are competing each Sunday night. They could even interact with some of the different players for that night’s matchup.
Brilliant, right? I mean all the NFL Cheerleader squads are professional, classy and smart enough to wear nude or suntan pantyhose with their outfits.
What a way that would be to kick off Sunday Night Football. Fred (SNF executive producer Fred Gaudelli), call me. We can work out the fee for my killer idea.
Part II ~ The supervillain
Listen, I’m not saying I hate Carrie Underwood. Wait a minute … Yes, I am! (Say like Eric Cartman of South Park.)
Hate her song, hate her outfits, hate her.
OK, maybe she’s a nice enough lady in real life, but here’s the deal: I hate it when a female celebrity misses an opportunity to do what’s right, what’s professional and, ultimately, what’s glamorous and feminine.
Disclaimer: Now, if Carrie doesn’t wear pantyhose on SNF because Fred and his team don’t want her to wear, then that’s another story. But I kinda doubt that. I think it’s Carrie’s responsibility to be the professional and make the decision herself about something as personal as whether to wear pantyhose. No, I’m pretty sure Carrie is the bad guy here.
I mean in an Internet search it’s difficult to find a single picture of her wearing.
She even wore a fabulous red gown and high heel dress sandals with those awful bear legs to attend the Grammy Awards earlier this year. Now, that’s one place where professionalism, class and elegance would be called for, but, as usual, she wanted no part of that.
Carrie, Fred, news flash for you here: Pantyhose are back. In a big way. And they’re only going to get bigger and bigger. Look around. Pantyhose are on TV, on TV commercials, in the movies, on Broadway, on the runway (saying again for dramatic sinking-in effect) on the RUNWAY, in fashion magazines, and most of all, pantyhose are on almost all female celebrities today (those with brains, professionalism and femininity anyway).
Heck, pantyhose were on Good Morning America who announced in February 2015, “Pantyhose are back.”
Yeah, I hate Carrie because she has the chance to be among the shining examples of celebs who are once again embracing pantyhose, but instead, she chooses to be a reminder of the ugliness that was the bear legs culture of practically the entire decade of 2000.
But what can I say? For everything that’s good in the world, there’s a thing that’s bad. Every superhero has an arch enemy. Let’s see: Superman has Lex Luther, Batman has the Joker, and Spiderman has the Green Goblin.
Same goes for female superheroes. Wonder Woman, the one character who most stood for everything good, including the virtues of beauty, grace, femininity and what’s right in the world, has an opposite. A supervillain.
Who is the evil arch enemy of Wonder Woman? Introducing … Under Woman.
Yes, it’s Under Woman who (disguised as Carrie Underwood, a mild-mannered country singer) fights a never-ending battle for taking the road less classy, for always choosing to look masculine because it’s easier than making the slightest effort to be more feminine, and for choosing to go bare-legged for all occasions and at all venues.
Part III ~ Carrie earns highest award of her career
As I stated in the first paragraph of this post, season after season since 2013, I had always held out hope that Carrie Understated would finally do the right thing and wear sheer nude pantyhose with her outfits during the SNF opening theme production. But year after year, she has disappointed me.
It is clear to me now that she just isn’t ever going to get it. She has dedicated herself to looking like any number of plain females today who want to talk like, act like and, worse, look more like men.
I’ve had enough of Carrie Undertaker, so recently, I put a call in to an old friend of mine. His name is Oliver B. Griswold, III. You might remember him from a few posts ago about Sarah Jessica Parker. His closest friends call him Griz.
Here’s how the conversation went:
Rob: Hey, Griz. It’s your old buddy, Robin.
Rob: Uhhhhh, you know I run ActSens …
Griz: Yeah, yeah. I’m just messin’ with you. I know who you are. You got some nerve calling, after you stole Sarah Jessica Parker from me.
Rob: (Jeez, I thought we’d moved past that.) I know, I know. But remember I promised I’d make it up to you.
Griz: I’m listening … And don’t call me Griz. We ain’t friends.
Rob: (uh oh) So, I’m just wondering? You still a Chicago Bears fan? What am I thinking? Of course you are …
Griz: Get to the point, girl, I got some porridge on the stove. Heh-heh. What’s the matter? I make you nervous or something?
Rob: (well, yeah, actually) No, no, not at all. Hey, you’ve seen Sunday Night Football, right? You know that (bimbo) uh, country singer, Carrie (Undertalented) Underwood? Annoying little tramp who flaunts her ugly bear legs …
Griz: Wait, when you said that word just now, how are you spelling it?
Rob: You know … b a r e
Griz: Yeah, right. OK, go on. What are you saying here, you are giving me Carrie Underwood?
Rob: Yes, I am officially recommending you make Carrie (Undernourished) Underwood your new client. I mean, she would be …
Rob: Precisely. That’s what I was about to say.
Griz: I love it. OK, Rob, I’m taking Carrie Underwood on, and I’m taking you off … the menu.
Rob: (gulp) Uh, menu?
Griz: Come on, get a sense of humor, girl. Seriously, this Carrie Underwood is perfect for me. I’m thrilled. Set this up, will ya?
Rob: Absolutely. So, just to be clear here, my giving you Carrie (Undercooked) Underwood makes us even now, right? We can be friends, now, right?
Griz: Don’t push it, Sweetheart. Yeah, yeah, OK, OK, stop whining. Carrie Underwood is as deserving as Stacy London was way back when. She’ll make a great new signature client for me.
Rob: Excellent. And, again, to be clear, we’re friends now, ri …
OK, then. Well, close enough. So, everything is right in the world again. Now, I can stop hoping and waiting for Carrie Underblunder to come around. She has officially received the 2017 Grizzly Award. Now, she can openly and proudly proclaim to the world she is the new Stacy London. She’s officially the face (or legs) of the bear legs franchise.
I’m sure she and the Grizzly will be very happy together. They look happy, don’t they? Well, Griz does anyway.
My thanks to Jay Aton, a longtime reader here, for his excellent artwork on a moments notice. You can see more of Jay’s work by visiting his website at http://atondigitalart.blogspot.com/